A Daily Practice
“We admitted that mind changing chemicals (insert any controlling behavior/addiction/toxic relationship) have caused at least part of our lives to become unmanageable.”
Personally Working the Steps Daily
I need to be reminded every day that when I try to control, fix, predict or otherwise manage situations beyond my own behavior my life becomes unmanageable.
I work the steps as someone not chemically dependent but for whom life became unmanageable as a result of years spent trying to manage and control my environment, internal and external, as a means to attach to an identity that didn’t belong to me. While I did love deeply, my son, my husband, family, friends, etc., I saw myself as not enough. I believed my worth was judged by how perfectly I measured up to the external images I used to define “enough.” That is where my life became unmanageable.
In that chaos, I defined for others what was enough; that was not mine to decide. In trying to reach what I believed others needed, wanted, expected, etc., I lost myself and my life became unmanageable. It wasn’t the acceptance of others I needed. It was acceptance of myself. It would be years, somewhere in my late forties, before I began a journey through the steps of true self love that would open my eyes to the acceptance and love that was there all along. This continues to grow as I continue the 12 step practice.
Some Lessons Along My Path: Surprise and Relief
As so many who walk through the doors of an al-anon meeting, I approached the wording in step one at face value: that my life was unmanageable as a result of the behavior of the drug abusers and alcoholics in my life. While I had enough therapy and brief past al-anon to know that I was not innocent in this process, I thought that my contribution lay only in how I participated in the specific relationship. Busted: It was actually what I brought to the relationship and how that dysfunction spilled into the rest of my life. Turns out, step one is actually about how I contributed to the unmanageability in my life. My self worth was tied up in how I was needed and accepted. It was those behaviors that made my life unmanageable.
The next surprise was the relief I felt when I was able to look away from the users and abusers. While it was not easy to turn my focus inward, on my own needs, it was empowering. I could acknowledge I had no control over others or the future. I embraced knowing I could define healthy control over my own boundaries, communication, behavior, responses.
Back to Daily Practice
I remind myself that I am only in control of my own self awareness, boundaries, behavior and responses. I remember what it feels like to be in chaos. I observe how I’ve grown. I am aware that when I honor my boundaries as well as those of others, when I communicate with myself and others from a place of love and support and when I accept where I stand in this moment for what it is and nothing more I find my world is manageable, and things fall into place just as they should.
The steps are here for anyone trying to detoxify his or her life. What we have found is that this detox starts with self; from the honesty in observing our own toxic behavior patterns and the willingness to heal them from the inside out.
To explore where you are today in your own healing journey and begin building a healthier foundation for self love and healthy relationships, schedule a complimentary Curiosity Call.