My Story
Peace, joy, serenity, and purpose come from within me, from finding what I stand for and aligning my actions with my values, being open to experience and finding my path through choosing what’s right for me. My happiness and sense of fulfillment are not controlled by the acceptance or inclusion of others. Rather, it is the attraction of others as a result of being clear and consistent with my values and my purpose.
This is my guiding principle. It was not easy to craft. It took years of personal struggle and learning to accept and love myself. The brightest lights were my husband and son. I wanted so much to be “more” for them, but my definition of more was dysfunctional. Thankfully, somewhere along the way, I discovered I couldn’t be more for them if I wasn’t more for myself.
I spent much of my life fighting an internal battle fueled by perfectionist expectations and the self-perception of being unworthy, not “enough.” My voice strangled by shame, I could not speak my own beliefs and desires, eventually losing any internal connection, no room for self-love. I handed control over to external judgment leaving me starving for approval in ways that kept me boundary-less, self-loathing, and disconnected. This battle showed up as emotional disconnect, anxiety, shyness, eating disorders, self-medication, and codependent patterns.
This self-judgement followed me into adulthood, marriage, and motherhood. I would spend the next 20 years defining peace, joy, and serenity as something outside myself, dictated by the condition of my loved ones. External images would set the bar for personal expectations, perception of judgment would keep the shame cycle on spin. The perfectionist would polish the surface to exhaustion. Because I believed that’s what a good mother, wife, daughter would do, make everyone comfortable, keep everything level.
Episodes of therapy and Al-Anon meetings would give me just enough clarity to hover at functioning. A good relationship with my husband and seemingly happy childhood for our son made it easy to distract from my internal struggles. I could check the success boxes and keep the baggage stored away a little longer.
I hit my emotional rock bottom in my early 40’s. Excessive polishing with little acknowledgment of the fractured foundation eventually cracked the surface.
This was the gift I needed - my rock bottom. The tipping point of anger and resentment and emotional overload. The stored baggage wasn’t “stored” after all.
The view from the bottom gave clarity to how far I had fallen from my truth, from my authentic self, and how much I sacrificed in the process. I was determined to break the cycle of dysfunction and re-connect with my authentic self. Doing this work, I came to understand that peace, joy, and serenity do not come from what surrounds me, they grow from within me. I explored my cracks, identified my values and belief systems, and embraced the gifts I once deemed “not enough.” For the first time, I began to feel purpose and experience a genuine connection to others from a place of trust.
“I am thankful for my struggle because without it I wouldn’t have stumbled across my strength!”
Peace, joy, serenity, and purpose now come from within me, from finding what I stand for and aligning my actions with my values, being open to experience and finding my path through choosing what’s right for me. My happiness and sense of fulfillment are not controlled by the acceptance or inclusion of others. Rather, it is the attraction of others as a result of being clear and consistent with my values and my purpose.
This doesn’t mean I don’t feel hurt, rejected or experience shame. I’m human. I have hard days where self doubt and fear are the loudest voices. But today, I have the tools to quiet the gremlins and nurture self love. I know I can walk through hurt, rejection and shame and find myself on the other side. Stronger. Happier. Fulfilled.
Today, I have greater freedom from the limiting beliefs, perception of judgment, and external definitions of belonging. I continue to experience emotional growth, authentically build new connections with others and enthusiastically pursue my purpose.
I share my story to offer support for your journey. My story is not extraordinary. In fact, it may even be quite “normal.” The challenge is, are you ready to walk through it all and find yourself on the other side? Stronger? Happier? Fulfilled?
If this resonates with you, schedule a complimentary 40 minute Discovery Call to explore your own story, connect with your authentic self and discover your guiding principles.