No Means I Love You …And Me
Nausea, panic, lump in my throat, tightness in my chest; anxiety, fear of rejection and abandonment: I still feel this physical response when faced with saying no.
All this … one little word.
No is powerful.
“No” is a boundary, an expression of my own needs. That was a completely foreign concept to me; for most of my life “no” had power over me. Today, “no” empowers me.
I gave up no for yes somewhere in my early youth. In codependency, to be needed is to be loved. Boundaries and identity disappear as the pattern becomes one where I will put myself aside to make room for you in the pursuit of being lovable and meaningful.
I spent most of my life believing that meeting the needs of others was what good daughters, wives, mothers, and friends did in order to be seen as meaningful and loving. The loving mother/wife/friend/daughter is selfless and ensures that her kids, husband, loved ones have what they need to be successful and happy. Part of this is conflict avoidance. “No” was often met with anger and rejection in my family of origin. So, to “fix” the chaos and avoid rejection, yes was easier than no. Saying no was not in my skill set.
I acted out this pattern for most of life. Somewhere in my early 40s, I found myself literally curled up in a ball on the floor, at my emotional rock bottom. The dysfunction of my family of origin had hit a point of crushing me. Now the chaos was threatening my nuclear family.
“No” became the most important word in my recovery. And the most loving thing I could communicate to my son, husband, family of origin and others.
By always giving, not setting boundaries, saying yes when I wanted to say no, I perpetuated and encouraged the behavior of others. I opened the door for manipulation and chaos and I prevented others from their own growth.
It was not my fault. But as a result of my self concept my behavior was toxic. And my self concept was so unhealthy and dysfunctional I couldn’t see how I was contributing to it all. In my mind, I was “just helping,” giving, serving out of love. But it wasn’t love. It was an unhealthy, boundary-less attempt to make up for my unworthiness. Instead, I was perpetuating that internal battle.
And now … no means I love me and you enough to set boundaries.
The growth from fear of no to embracing yes has been a journey of learning self love, connecting with me, and honoring the growth potential of others.
Setting boundaries after a lifetime without them is not a short journey. They do not show up in black and white with a formula for how to find and set them. It’s a process that starts with baby steps and gradually opens your path to self awareness then self love. One step at a time.
For me, this work started with Al Anon and therapy. Eventually, I began working the 12 Steps for codependency. My growth as a coach has also contributed greatly to building my toolbox of recovery. Learning to connect to my lost self, developing tools of self compassion and acceptance has allowed me to separate from others and find a healthier balance in my relationships. I was also able to identify my core limiting beliefs and define my core values.
These are the cornerstones for offering a strong and loving “No.” It means I love you and me enough to honor my values, create space where we can both grow, and be confident that we can meet our own needs while lovingly supporting each other.
The first baby step: Self Compassion and Internal Boundaries
It’s time to tell the critical voice inside to quiet down. This voice is perpetuating negative self image and preventing deep wounds from healing.
Acknowledge your injured self. How old are you, where are you, what’s happening, who’s voice do you hear?
Name the demon - the critical voice. This voice is not yours, it belongs to someone who benefits from you believing you are not worthy. Any name, even a humorous one, works. Sometimes using humor allows a more open communication.
Come up with at least three affirming statements to set internal boundaries:
Example: I am enough, I am growing everyday!
Basic elements to a healthy recovery
Willingness to start the journey
Resources to explore and build tools for personal growth
Support system of others who understand and support your goals
Support of others who have experienced this growth and moved into healthier patterns
Final Share
Boundary work is an opportunity to climb out from under self judgement and life limiting behaviors. Learn to say no without guilt or fear and experience a life of possibility and vibrancy.
Codependency is a multilayered experience. Boundaries and difficulty with saying no is just one part of a much bigger picture. To learn more about codependency and boundaries and explore a recovery journey schedule a complimentary Curiosity Call with me here: https://KCCoachFitschedule.as.me/curiositycall
Additional resources
The Codependency Recovery, Krystal Mazzola
12 steps for codependents , https://coda.org/