Smoke Damage and Codependency

It’s so strange how we don’t know what toxic air surrounds us when we’ve never known anything different. 

I was doing damage control after an unfortunate incident of not opening the flu on a fireside snow day. If you have an old-school wood-burning fireplace, you know what I’m talking about. 

I was struck by how the smoke made everything hazy as it hung in the air just above my head - out of sight and yet still changing perception, tainting everything in the environment. The mantle and wooden slats of the plantations were covered in ash that had nowhere to go. And all the while, I’m breathing the air, inhaling the invisible toxicity that will leave my internal environment changed. 

As I worked to clear the smoke and ash and re-establish healthy air for my family, it occurs to me that once the obvious was clear (smoke) it would be easy to look around and think everything is “fine.” And yet, upon close inspection, there’s a thin layer of ash covering everything. I can clear the smoke, but what’s left behind are remnants of ash and smoke that slipped into cracks and seeped into the fabric, invisibly coating our home with smoke damage. 

I can’t protect them from what I can’t see, from what I don’t know is damaged. 

I’m being extreme on the fireplace event - but that’s where my mind was, comparing smoke damage to codependency. 

In codependency, to be needed is to be loved. Boundaries and identity disappear as the pattern becomes one where I will put myself aside to make room for you in the pursuit of being lovable and meaningful.

"From No Means I Love You…and Me” 

These are the behaviors of codependency, the expression of damage that actually penetrates deep layers of a person’s sense of self-worth and identity.

It’s this thing that creeps in when you’re busy trying to put out fires and reset the picture. No matter how much you clean the surface, it leaves behind an invisible layer of toxic debris. It creeps into the cracks of our self-image and seeps into the fabric of our relationships in ways almost imperceptible. 

Healing codependency is a process of learning tools to build a healthy relationship with yourself and others. It’s important to spend time identifying the origins of these toxic behavior patterns. Because codependency has its roots in trauma, it’s critical to start your work with a well-trained, compassionate, highly recommended trauma therapist. Once therapy works to bring you to healthy functioning, a trauma-informed coach can take you the rest of the way.

Coaching is not therapy. Coaching is the opportunity to build tools that take the growth achieved in therapy and move towards the hope and possibility of your future. 

Every generation carries with them the toxic smoke damage of the one before. Unless that is, we do the work to clear the smoke, set the boundaries, and learn what it means to breathe healthy air. Unless we do the work to heal from the inside, we pass on the damage to the ones we love.

Recommended Reading:  

The Codependency Recovery Plan, Krystal Mazzola, MEd, LMFT

**If this resonates with you, click here to book a Wake-up Call and explore your hope and possibility for the future.