Grief And Time

I have found time Time to be a silent torture as I grieve the death of my son, Paul. Minutes, hours, dates, all the experiences of time passing, these pull the sharp edges of a broken heart deeper into the painful wounds of loss. Some say time heals, time will help. This is absolutely not true. Time, at this point, is the hammer that drives the pain deeper, a spotlight that shines on the emptiness left behind. 

So don’t be offended when I don’t joyfully return your wish for a happy new year. Know that I give the best I have when I say I wish you peace and love this year. It’s the truest thing I can offer. 

These dates, holidays, birthdays, etc., are brutal reminders of time passing, of un-lived memories, and unfulfilled dreams. I don’t know how long I’ll feel this way - but it already feels like a lifetime. I know I’ll grow stronger, find ways to move through these dates year after year. Growing stronger does not mean the pain will subside - it only means I’ve learned to live with it. 

Today, I don’t know what I will experience in a year - I’m just trying to survive one day at a time. 

I thought I had written my story, found peace with the painful parts, integrated what I had exiled, and come to a place of feeling more full and authentic, excited for what was ahead. 

But now, for this, there are no words, no moving forward. I don’t know how. So I guess the next chapter is the painful process of exploring life in a world without you in it, Paul. I have to discover who I am now, where do I find purpose. And for that, I have to be willing. That’s where I have to begin, I have to explore willingness. 

For now, I find willingness in being present for others, helping them find what’s next, and holding space so they feel seen and safe to explore their own truth. Because I think that’s something we had in common, the desire to be an unconditionally supportive presence for others. And that lets me feel like I am moving forward with you. The passing of time can feel like moving away, and I need to feel like I can stay close to my grief because it helps me feel close to you. Really, I need to be moving forward with hope, that’s what will carry me through this. 

There is a story to tell, if for no other purpose than to offer companionship to others suffering from pain and loss. This place can feel isolated and lonely. Sharing our stories brings connection, and connection builds hope.

For those of us navigating the space of “new year,” it can be easy to focus on time passing, on the ever-present emptiness. The truth is, we have a choice. We can stay in a place of suffering, or we can begin to explore what our & looks like. I am in pain and aware of the emptiness & I can see the opportunities to connect with those loved ones still present in my life.